


Everything I wanted

by Florian_Gray



Series: Song inspired/Song fics [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Evan has an eating disorder, Happy Ending, Ice Cream, M/M, The Author Regrets Nothing, The author has an eating disorder, Trees, anorexic Evan, please be careful reading this, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21925741
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Florian_Gray/pseuds/Florian_Gray
Summary: Evan has an eating disorder, but his life gets even crazier when Connor offers him a ride.
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: Song inspired/Song fics [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1653592
Comments: 8
Kudos: 110





	Everything I wanted

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! So here's some angst.
> 
> Also happy holidays! I know this time of year is really hard with for people with eating disorders (me included), so I just want to say that you are allowed to eat.
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoy, please leave kudos and comments!
> 
> I'm totally projecting

Evan sighs as he stares into his full-length mirror. He doesn't know when this started, he can't pinpoint when everything changed. It was a gradual process. First, he looked in the mirror and hastily turned away. Then he did everything in his power to not see his own body. He slowly started to not eat as much. After that, he looked up calories, wrote them down. He checked his BMI and restricted how much he ate. Then he started searching for others like him. The internet was full of people like him. He didn't know what this was, but he could talk about it to others.

He soon wouldn't eat in front of anyone. To make sure he didn't eat too much he'd sit in front of his mirror to eat. He weighed himself every day. If he gained the rest of the day was ruined. If he lost weight he was in a good mood.

Jared didn't really notice. But why would he? He didn't actually care about Evan. He can't help but itch at his arm, the cast making his arm sweaty. If he was more fragile, thinner, he may have succeeded, but he didn't.

He checked the time and groaned, it was time to leave. It was surprisingly easy to not eat. He'd throw away his food at lunch, and his mom was never home so he'd just keep the money. He didn't know what he was saving up for, but it was nice to have. Every time he took it though, he felt a pang of guilt. It wasn't technically stealing, but he felt bad that his mom gave him money for food.

He grabbed his book bag and walked out. He got up early so he could walk to school. He didn't have a car, and the bus was an absolute no-go. So, no matter the weather, he'd take the hour walk to school. That was good though, he'd burn at least 200 cals. With eating a max of 500 cals he'd easily lose weight.

The air is cool and crisp. He hoped that it would snow, but they only got snow once last year. He slowly walked along the road, keeping his head down.

He jumps when a car slows down beside him. He glances up and freezes in his tracks when he sees who it is. Connor Murphy. The same Connor Murphy who threw a printer at a teacher. Well not exactly, all Evan remembers is him picking up the printer, then a loud crash.

"Uh, hi?" Evan says, keeping his eyes on the ground.

"It's fucking cold. You need a ride?" Connor asks. Evan can feel the warmth coming from Connor's open window. He fidgeted with his cast and looked around. He wanted to work off the calories, but the heat seemed so welcoming.

"Get in, or I'm leaving." Connor snapped. Evan nodded and hurriedly walked to the other side. He wasn't sure if he should get in the front or the back. Connor sighed and leaned over, opening the passenger door. Evan nodded again and got in. He put his bag in front of his feet.

"Th-thanks." Evan mumbles, buckling and sliding down into the chair.

"Whatever," Connor says, turning the heat up more.

The drive is silent, except for the soft music coming out of the speakers. It's classical music, like orchestra music. He didn't think Connor was into this, but it put a soft smile on his face.

He did notice that he was almost constantly cold. Evidently, it was a symptom of whatever he had. He couldn't help but keep shivering even in the hot car.

"You're cold? Could have said something about it." Connor says, turning the heat to max.

"I… thanks, uh, Connor," Evan says softly.

"Whatever Hansen," Connor grunts. Evan jerks and stares at Connor. Connor knew who he was. He obviously knew that Connor knew they went to the same school, but Connor knows his name. Evan is forgettable. Alana knew him, as did Jared but those were the only two to talk to him.

"What?" Connor snaps when Evan gawks for too long.

"I... you, um, you know my name," Evan says, staring back at the road.

"Of course I know your fucking name. We've been in at least one class together every year, ever since elementary," Connor states.

The air rushes out of him. He didn't think Connor noticed him.

"Most people don't… remember me." Evan shrugs.

"And everyone remembers me. You lost weight." Connor says, glancing at Evan quickly.

Evan quickly looks himself over. He has a bigger jacket on, and a scarf. He did lose weight, but he still felt so enormous.

"I, uh, yeah," Evan says. He can't help but smile. Someone noticed! It was working.

Connor hums and focuses on the road. Connor drums his fingers in the wheel to the music. He obviously listens to this quite a lot.

Evan isn't sure what to say. Should he comment on the music? Or maybe the weather, no that's too cliché.

"I, I like your hair." Evan decides on.

Connor runs his hand through his hair and keeps his eyes on the road. Evan can't tell if Connor's face is red from the temperature or not.

"You're the only one," Connor smirks.

"It's, uh, it looks very… soft." Evan says and cringes at himself.

Connor snorts and looks at Evan hastily. "You don't have to talk to me. I'm just giving you a ride. Speaking of, do you always walk?"

"I, uh, mostly. It's not that big of a deal. I, I, I like walking normally." Evan stammers out.

"Well…" Connor starts and runs his hand through his hair again, maybe it's an anxiety tick, Evan thinks. "I can give you a ride if you want. At least in the morning since it's so damn cold."

Evan can still walk home, and he can do other exercises if he needs it. It wouldn't be too bad to get a ride. "Uh, th-thanks, I, um, I'd like that."

Connor nods and turns up the music somewhat. The rest of the ride is silent, but not too uncomfortable.

Connor parks and gets out, grabbing his back from the back. They walk into school and waves at Evan. "See you later Hansen," Connor says before walking away. The people around him give him odd looks so he keeps his head down and walks to his first class.

* * *

Each morning Connor picks of Evan. The ride is mostly silent except for the few times Evan rambles, like now.

"Wind-blown cottonwood seeds can stay airborne for days before they land. In fact, they can fly longer than any other kind of tree seeds. Isn't that cool? And, the rings in a cut tree don’t just reveal its age. They can also show signs of environmental changes, like a volcanic eruption or severe drought." Evan says, waving his hands around.

Connor nods his head, "that's cool." He says.

Evan smiles and nods, "some trees seem to “talk” to each other. Willows, for example, emit certain chemicals when they’re attacked by webworms. Other willows then appear to produce more tannin, making their leaves harder for the pests to digest!"

Connor nods again. "You know a lot about trees."

"I really like them, they help keep us alive. Plus… they, uh, they look nice." Evan flushes.

"I should take you to the old apple orchard, you'd like it," Connor says, glancing at Evan.

"Really? That'd be great! I, uh, but you don't h-have to." Evan says staring at his hands.

"Nah, I want to. How about after school? I'd suggest just skipping, but figured you wouldn't like that." Connor shrugs.

"Thank you," Even whispers. Connor nods and hums along to the music.

After school, Evan waits at the entrance, looking around for Connor. It's weird how natural it is to talk to him. He was terrified at first, but Connor is actually… nice. He cares a lot about animals, and he loves to read. He's still grumpy, but Evan can tell he tries not to snap at Evan. The one time he did, Evan almost started crying and Connor pulled over. Connor actually apologized and looked upset. Evan, of course, forgave him, but it was still odd.

"Hey, Ev," Connor says, snapping Evan out of his thoughts. It only registers after a second that Connor gave him a nickname.

"H-hey," Evan says, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"Let's go," Connor says, strolling out to his car. The drive to the orchard isn't long, and when they get there Evan pauses. The 'do not enter' sign hangs on the fence.

"Come on," Connor says, tugging on Evan's arm. It's the first time Connor actually touched him. Which sounds odd, but it felt nice. Jared never touched him in a friendly way; he just punched his arm every now and then.

Evan stumbles to keep up with Connor. Connor pushes open the gate, where the lock had already been broken.

The walk over a hill and Evan's breath catches. Rows upon rows of trees stretch out. The branches bare, making them look like they are reaching up to the sky.

"It's beautiful." Evan murmurs. Connor nods and pulls Evan down the hill towards the trees. Evan giggles slightly and runs down the hill with Connor.

Evan beams at Connor and walks up to the tree, gently touching it. They walk around quietly, taking in the trees.

Evan looks up when he feels something wet touch his nose. He didn't notice how cold it was until he saw small snowflakes falling. Evan smiles and opens his mouth, letting snow fall in.

He smiles and looks to Connor, who is staring at him. He has an odd look on his face that Evan can't place.

"Did you know it was going to snow?" Evan asks.

"I took a guess." Connor shrugs.

Evan smiles and nods. The cold seeps into his bones and he can't help but shiver.

Connor snorts and takes off his black hoodie and hands it to Evan.

"Don't you need this?" Evan asks, holding the warm fabric.

"I'm practically a furnace, plus you need it more," Connor says. Evan smiles at the ground and puts it on. It is incredibly warm.

They stay in the orchard for a while, before walking back to the gate.

"Want to get ice cream?" Connor asks.

Evan feels his stomach drop. He avoided eating in front of Connor for this long. He doesn't want Connor to suspect anything though. That would be at least 200 cals. It wouldn't be too bad though, but it meant he'd have to work out more.

"In this weather?" Evan snorts. Connor shrugs and starts up his car, turning the heat all the way up.

"O-ok," Evan says. Connor nods and starts to drive. Again, it isn't a long drive, though Evan doesn't know where they're going.

They pull up to À La Mode and they both get out. The shop is cozy and warm but empty except for the people working.

They walk up to the counter and Evan looks at all the options. He should probably just stick with vanilla.

"What do you want?" Connor asks.

"Just a scoop of vanilla please," Evan says, pulling out his wallet.

"I'm paying," Connor says before turning to the lady working the cashier.

Evan fumbles with his wallet before putting it away.

"One vanilla and two scoops of cheesecake ice cream please," Connor says.

"Of course, right up." The lady says getting their ice cream. She hands them their ice cream and smiles. Evan takes his and can't help but feel nauseated.

They sit across from each other in a booth.

Connor gladly starts eating as Evan stares at his.

"Is something wrong? Do you want anything else?" Connor asks.

Evan swallows thickly and attempts to smile. He takes a small bite with unsteady hands.

"It's, uh, it's good," Evan says, nodding. Connor watches Evan for a second longer than necessary before starting to eat. Evan squirms in his seat and keeps his eyes down. There's no way Connor could know. If he did, he'd leave Evan. Evan was pathetic, couldn't even eat normally.

He ate the ice cream slowly, trying to keep his face at least impartial.

He eats as much as he can before excusing himself for the bathroom. He checks the stalls before going into one and sticking his finger down his throat. He loves and hates that his gag reflex is so sensitive. Once he's sure everything is out he stands on wobbly legs and washes his face off. He walks out and Connor gives him a look he can't decipher.

Once Connor finishes his ice cream he gets up. "I'll drop you off at your place if you want," Connor says, getting into the car.

Evan nods and gets in. He watches the snow fall as they make their way to Evan's house. Evan always loved the snow and soft and gentle it was. He loved to bundle up in blankets and watch cheesy movies. He uses to eat a ton too, but that was definitely out the window now.

Once they pull up, Evan gets out. "Text me when you get home?" Evan asks. Connor nods and smiles, staying in the driveway until Evan is inside the house.

Evan climbs the stairs to his room and flops onto the bed. He freezes when he notices that he still has Connor's jacket. Evan's face flushes crimson as he takes in a deep breath. The smell of Connor envelopes him and catches in his throat. He tries to keep his feelings deep inside him, but they keep slithering up. He looks around before holding the sleeve up to his nose and inhaling. He almost hates himself for this, he's disgusted.

He shouldn't do this to his friends' jacket. His friend. Is Connor his friend? Connor texts him every day, sending memes and pictures of trees he thinks Evan will like. They stay up at night talking about arbitrary things.

Connor is his friend, and that revelation leaves him breathless. That just makes what he's doing worse. He groans and rolls over, staring at the ceiling.

He stays that way until Connor texts him, letting him know he got home safe. Evan stares at his screen, he types out responses that aren't good enough.

_**To:** Connor _

_**From:** Evan _

**I still have your jacket, sorry. I'll give it back to you as soon as I can.**

_**To:** Evan _

_**From:** Connor _

**its fine you need is more than me**

_**To:** Evan _

_**From:** Connor _

**it***

Evan snorts and groans, holding his phone to his chest. Today had been one of the best days he's had in a long time. He wonders if Connor considers him a friend.

His phone goes off and he smiles before checking it. He grimaces and stares at the text.

_**To:** Evan _

_**From:** Jared _

**Why are you hanging out with Murphy? Like, wtf dude, he could kill you**

Evan rolls his eyes and snorts. Jared had been avoiding him, and he guesses Connor is why. Sure Connor could get angry and lash out, but he wouldn't intentionally hurt Evan.

_**To:** Jared _

_**From:** Evan _

**He's my friend.**

It's simple, but it gets his point across. Connor is definitely more of a friend to him than Jared is. He sits up and grabs his backpack. As he does his homework he fiddles with the jacket's sleeves. The jacket is worn out and has a hole in one of the pockets. Once his homework is done he looks around the house for the sewing kit. He takes the jacket and sews the hole closed. It's not the best, but it works.

Evan pulls out his journal and writes what he ate. He sighs as he sees how many calories he ate. He'll have to work out for a while tonight. He shouldn't eat dinner tonight, or lunch tomorrow.

He closes his eyes briefly before walking to the mirror and lifting his shirt. He can see his ribs and collar bones. That puts a smile on his face. He puts his shirt down and starts his workout routine. It isn't to build muscle, but to lose weight.

After three hours he collapses into his bed, grabbing his phone and pulling up an online forum. He reads through the new topics and leaves a few comments on some. He checks the comments on his own posts and responds to a few. Someone suggested a new diet, the ABC diet, and he decides to look it up. It seems easy enough. He saves it onto his phone and reads it over again. He'll start on it tomorrow.

He groans as he stands up, heading to the shower. He gets the water as hot as it can and stands under the water. It felt so amazing. But as soon as he steps out his skin turns cold once again.

He stays up talking to Connor and avoiding Jared's texts. They two of them stay up well into the night until they both fall asleep.

Evan and Connor hang out more and more often. It's not uncommon to see the two together in the hallways. People give Evan weird looks now, as they start to notice him. Evan no longer gets pushed in the hallways. He even had someone compliment him.

"Evan!" Alana says, bounding up to him.

"H-hi!" Evan stutters.

"You lost a lot of weight! Are you still in a healthy BMI range? Cause too low of a BMI is just as bad as one too high." Alana says. Evan feels his stomach drop as he looks around.

"Also, isn't that Connor's jacket?" She asks. He nods and pulls it tighter around him. The more weight he lost the biggest the jacket felt.

"I'm glad you two are friends, he really needed one. Plus now you have a friend too." Alana says. Evan stays quiet as she keeps talking.

After a while, Alana excuses herself and Evan stands there looking around. Connor never asked for the jacket back, and he never gave it back. It's odd to see Connor without it, but he loves the feel of it. He makes him feel safe and protected.

He keeps his head down until he collides into someone.

"I'm so sorry, I…" Evan looks up and stops. It's Jared. He bumped into Jared.

"Evan… you're, Jesus Christ, you're skinny." Jared says, giving Evan a concerned look.

"I've… been working out…a lot." Evan shrugs.

"Dude, you're like not healthy," Jared says, poking Evan's stomach.

"N-no I'm not!" Evan snaps, glaring at Jared.

"Is Connor doing this to you? I swear I will murder him." Jared growls.

"He didn't do anything to me! All he's done is be my friend, which is a lot more than you ever did." Evan shouts before turning away. Connor is standing there with wide eyes. Evan grabs his hand and pulls him towards the school doors.

"Where are we going?" Connor asks but follows Evan. Once they are outside Evan let's go of Connor's hand and instantly misses the warmth.

"I don't care, anywhere but here," Evan says, glowering at the ground. Connor nods and walks to the car, getting in and starting it up.

"I don't think we should do this," Connor says, not moving the car.

"What? You, who used to skip school almost every day, doesn't think this is a good fucking idea." Evan says, turning his glare to Connor.

"Used to. I used to, and then I met you. You, who never skipped school, but hated it. I didn't understand why you didn't. So I tried it. I went to school every day so I could take you. Now I'm not saying I'm not going to take you, but I want you to think about it. Jared is a dick and you shouldn't do something you don't want to do because of him." Connor says, staring right back at Evan.

Evan glares at him for a second longer before turning away. He can't help the tears welling up.

"Ev… Evan," Connor whispers, placing a hand gently on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry." Evan whimpers rubbing at his eyes.

"You don't have to be sorry about anything. Do you still wanna go?" Connor asks. He gently rubs Evan's shoulder.

Evan nods and Connor backs out. He keeps his hand on Evan's shoulder as he drives. Evan softly cries during the ride. Connor keeps on a soft classical song, which soothes Evan.

Evan doesn't know where he is when he looks up. All he can see is woods. He looks at Connor through tired eyes.

"I figured you needed this. Come on, I've been to these woods before, you'll love it. No one comes out here so the animals are always out and about. Plus it's a no-hunting area." Connor says, turning off the car.

They both get out, and Connor gently takes Evan's hand. Evan smiles and walks closer to Connor. He still wears Connor's jacket. They walk in silence, taking in the quietness of the woods. It's not completely silent though. A few birds chirp softly and the leaves under their feet let out a crunch.

It calms Evan down completely, even lets him have a small smile on his face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Connor asks softly. Evan shrugs and looks around. They found a small river in a clearing far from the road.

Connor nods and sits down, pulling Evan down to sit next to him.

"So… you know how Jared is. I've known him since I was born cause our moms are friends." Evan says staring at the water. "He's always reminded me that we are just family friends. He always picked on me and made fun of me. I thought that was normal. It hurt a lot, but… I didn't have anyone else." Evan can't help the few last tears that leak out of his eyes.

"No one should ever treat you like that," Connor says, the hand not holding Evan's clenches into a fist.

"I… didn't know that. But then… well, you offered to give me a ride. You didn't have to, but you did anyway. You didn't do it because your mom wouldn't pay for your car insurance if you didn't. It felt nice. I realized… well, you're my friend. At least to me," Evan says.

"I consider you a friend too. But, Evan, why did you snap at him. It was great! I just don't understand what drove you over the edge." Connor says, rubbing soft circles with his thumb onto Evan's hand.

Evan closes his eyes. He can't tell Connor why. He just can't. He doesn't want to lose him.

"He… he said something mean about you," Evan says. It's not really a lie; Jared did say something about him.

"You know I can handle that. Trust me; Jared's insults aren't as good as he thinks they are." Connor says.

"I know, but you shouldn't have to. You aren't mean, or cruel. You care about art, and photography, and animals! You… you care about me." Evan says, staring at their intertwined hands.

"I do. So I don't want you to fight with someone when it's not about you." Connor says. Before Evan can reply he's pulled into a crushing hug. He fumbles for a second before hugging Connor back.

He is incredibly warm somehow. He is also soft, which Evan is no longer. He can easily feel all of his bones and Connor must notice this.

He pulls back and looks Evan over.

"Ev, have you eaten… today?" Connor asks, keeping Evan close.

"Ye-yeah. I, um, I had a sandwich a-and breakfast." Evan says, trying to look anywhere but Connor.

"Evan… I was with you for lunch. You didn't eat anything." Connor says furrowing his brows. Evan pulls back, and Connor lets him go.

"I'm fine." He snaps, standing up. He moves too quickly so he sways somewhat.

"Evan… I, I can't believe I didn't notice. When was the last time you ate?" Connor asks, standing.

"It doesn't matter. I eat enough. Drop it." Evan says, glowering at the ground.

"It does matter. It matters to me." Connor says, he reaches out to touch Evan but Evan slaps his hand away.

"I said drop it!" Evan shouts before running into the woods. He doesn't know where he's going, and he's strangely ok with that. He wouldn't mind dying out here, it's so peaceful. He keeps running and running. His legs burn and it feels like he can't even breathe. He stops and sways, dark spots filling his vision. He can hear a loud ringing in his ears. Then the world goes dark.

* * *

**Epilogue**

Evan looked at his meal and closed his eyes before picking up his fork and starting to eat. It was still difficult, some days he would refuse to eat. He learned how to deal with it though, and Connor helped so much. Evan learned quickly that Connor uses to have an eating disorder too, so they'd always eat together. Both of them were not allowed scales and if they had to get on one, they weren't allowed to see the number.

Evan slowly gained the weight back, but he learned how to control his height healthily.

"Babe, can you pass the salt?" Connor asks, slightly glaring at his food. It was a bad food day for him too. Evan nodded and reached over. Connor mumbled a quick thanks before sprinkling some on his food.

Evan took another deep breath and looked at Connor, who easily held his gaze. Evan slowly raised his fork and Connor did the same. They both ate, and after they were both full and had smiles on their faces.

Some days the two would bicker, but it never was too bad.

"I'll be seeing my therapist again tomorrow," Evan says, leaning slightly against Connor as they walked around the park.

"Good. I'm glad you finally found meds that work… and I think mine may be working too." Connor said, kissing Evan on the cheek. Evan's face went red and he tried to duck his head out of sight.

"I'm glad too." Evan mumbles.

"Do you ever think what would have happened if I never gave you a ride?" Connor asks, looking at the ducks gliding by in the pond.

"I'm not sure. I probably would have collapsed before… but I would have been alone when it happened. I know Jared is trying to get better now, but then? I don't think he'd be around when it would have happened." Evan says. He sometimes misses being so alone, but then he thinks of all he has now. They both decided to wait a year before going to college; they both needed time to heal.

"I would have killed myself," Connor says, not meeting Evan's concerned gaze.

"I… was planning to. Then I saw you, and thought 'what the hell', I mean, what did I have to lose? And then you… you showed me what the world could be. You showed me that death wasn't the only option." Connor says. He finally looks at Evan and smiles, cupping his cheek before kissing him gently on the lips.

They parted and slowly walked around the pound. Smiling at each other.

It wasn't perfect, far from it. But maybe… they would be alright.

**Author's Note:**

> Tag your texting style, I'm Jared


End file.
